A fool and his money are soon partying, and if you're early to bed, then you aren't invited.
A friend in need is a mooch.
A house divided against itself is called a duplex.
A leopard cannot change its spots, but if it spots you, it might chew your face off, buddy.
A penny saved is waste of a bank account.
A picture paints a thousand words, but a Madonna made of shit will sell for ten thousand dollars.
A woman's work is never done... I can only get in trouble here... I'm gonna leave this one alone.
A watched pothead says "dude" a lot.
Actions speak louder than words, and a fist up the ass is the loudest action ever.
An ounce of prevention is worth a week of antibiotics and timeless Internet fame
You reap what you sow, and you sell on e-bay what you reap from your relatives during the holidays.
Ask no questions, hear no lies, get no dates, jerk off in the dark, alone.
All's fair in love and war, except for kicking someone in the nuts.
Beauty is only skin deep, but I'm just that shallow.
Better to have loved and lost than gotten kicked in the nuts.
Birds of one feather must have trouble flying unless they share.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and be kicked in the nuts.
Blood is thicker than water, but not richer or smoother than Ovaltine.
Cleanliness is godliness, and I steer clear of hubris.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless it is made of prime rib.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, so lube up first.
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched, unless you are selling eggs.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, unless you only have one egg, or one basket.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and a complete waste of time.
Every man has his price, mine is $5 even.
Faith will move mountains, and so will atomic bombs launched in the name of faith.
Flattery will get you laid.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread because angels have no balls.
Good things come to those who have rich fathers
Good fences make good neighbours, but bad feces makes angry neighbors.
Haste makes waste and inflames hemorrhoids.
Home is where the belching, farting, cursing and crotch scratching never stops.
If God had meant us to fly, He'd have taken away those little seat belts on airplanes.
If at first you don't succeed, you're a loser.
If you don't have anything nice to say, blow it out your ass, dick wad.
If life deals you lemons, shit on them and throw them at your angry neighbours.
If you can't beat um, kick um in the nuts, then run.
If you can't stand the heat, live in Vermont for a year.
Blowjobs are the sincerest form of flattery.
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man has no depth perception.
Into every life a little rain must fall, unless you live in Antarctica.
It's better to give than receive... a kick in the nuts.
It's not worth crying over spilt milk or dead whores.
It ain't over til the fat lady kills herself from depression.
Keep your chin up and your balls unkicked.
Laughter is the second best medicine, behind morphine.
Love is blind, but I'm not. (see 'beauty is skin deep').
Money talks and bullshit smells.
Necessity is the mother of invention and Thomas Edison was a motherfucker.
People who live in glass houses should be attractive.
Never put off until tomorrow what an intern will screw up anytime.
One good turn deserves another kick in the nuts.
That which does not kill us gives us food poisoning.
There is more than one way to skin a cat, try using a lemon zester.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are sponsored by lunch.
The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
There's always more fish in the sea, but who wants to fuck a fish?
Time heals all wounds, except for mental retardation.
Two heads are better than one, and some head is better than none.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
When the cat's away I don't sneeze as much.
Walk softly and carry extra underwear.
You can make an omelet without kicking me in the nuts.
You can't teach an old dog to fly.
Youth is wasted on video games.