Sunday, September 16, 2007

CLP #6: Endgame:
Just Like The Highlander Movie Sequals, This Crap Has To Stop.

Craig's List Project #6

I try and try and try to be so shallow. I am getting so good at it. I’m beginning to convince myself (and almost everyone I tell about this project) that I am, in all actually, this shallow. I can play the heartless monster for only so long. I have taken this Craig’s list thing too far and now even I am wincing at myself. The second step of this project was to create the worst possible dating personality; a selfish, self absorbed, self centered yet completely un-self-sufficient basement dweller. I think I nailed it. Behold.

So I’ll just start like this. I am awesome. I am perfectly f**king perfect and great and f**king great. I am a beta male doing beta tests. I design, test and play video games for a living (it's called beta testing). It’s a dream job. I don’t go out in the sun very often and have, what you might call, a “subway tan” which isn’t a tan at all; it’s more of an insult. I also know how to use semi-colons and will correct your grammar. That being said, I am really bad at spelling. I know the perception of a beta testers is a ruff one, but I’m not fat (which is surprising because I’m really lazy) and I do have a sense of dignity and and a sense style. I believe that chivalry is dead, but I am extra chivalrous because of that point. I used to live in my parents basement, but they kicked me out years ago. I got this job and now I rent a garden apt in a building that my parents own.

Me•29 year old anti-socialite, reclusive but friendly.
•I like the darkness; literally and figuratively.
•Have stains on most of my clothes from falling down, not getting off.
•I can laugh at life because it has laughed at me for so many years
•I like horror flicks and aspire to own a Segway.

Here’s what I look for in a woman•Someone smart, with at least a college education. Intelligence is sexy, but so are bikinis. No BBW, please. You’d crush me.
•Someone who will play games with me. LOL. I’d like to get my ass kicked in Halo by a girl. Is that really asking for too much?
•Someone to share with. Let’s put the “us” in “all your base are belong to us!”
•Someone into ST and ST TNG/DS9/V, MMORPG and ninja movies.
•Someone with patients, an open mind and chains somewhere in her wardrobe.

I’m looking for a fun woman who gets me. You could pack a picnic and we could go to the back yard and you could feed me grapes off the vine and we could drink like fish till the sun goes down. I will only respond to e-mails with pictures.”

Before I justify my despair, let me just say that “being the ‘us’ in, ‘All your base are belong to us’” is the best pick-up line I’ve ever thought up and is in contention for the best pick-up line ever. It even beats “Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform?” I feel like a scumbag just typing that.

I remember laughing as I was making this guy; thinking to myself, “Wow, it’s funny how much of an ass this guy would be.” You know this kinda guy, the condescending IT guy. But it’s not really funny making an ass. People who are asses don’t amuse me in real life, they either piss me off by being asses or bum me out because there are already so many asses and now I know that there is one more in the world. So why did I get such a thrill out of making up a self absorbed jerk and trying to pick up women with him? Is it really to see how low the Craig's list dating standards are? Or am I becoming the type of person who delights in seeing the dating tactics of desperate people? I did enjoy receiving and reposting the response to my previous on-line personal, and probably will enjoy them for a long time to come. That's because I received responses from people who were as boring as the wet Armani blanket that I tossed to them. But this more recent post was different, I received only one response, and it hit me like a wrecking ball.

“It's a shame that you will only reply to people who provide you with a picture. I think we have a lot in common. At the same time, I am not going to send a random person a picture. You could be a pervert who just wants to collect pictures. I suppose that you could still be a creepy pervert even after we exchange a couple of emails. However, I assume that most creeps wouldn't bother to respond.

I enjoy games and have a Wii
I dislike semi-colons, but I like colons.
I would also like to own a Segway. If I can't own one, I think it would be funny to get run over by one.
What do you mean by someone with chains in her wardrobe?

Anyway, I'll just send this now seeing as you aren't going to respond anyway.”

This is why this all must end. This woman called me out, called me a creep and I feel like a creep. I figured that by including “I will only respond to e-mails with pictures,” I was following normal douche bag operating procedure on Craig’s list, but now I think that it was more devious than that. Was I going to do the same thing that I did for my last post, rip any woman that has the guts to reply to shreds and put their pictures online for public humiliation? Probably. Am I the pervert that she is afraid of sending a picture to? Maybe. Not in a sexual way at all, but my intentions were perverse in the sense that the picture I asked for would have been used against her rather than to give me an idea of who she really is. That’s the heartless monster in me that I’ve been conscientiously training to tap dance with golf shoes on upon other peoples hopes and dreams. But this girl actually redirects the humiliation back at me and points out my creepiness. The real problem I have with myself after getting this e-mail is that, not only is she right, but this girl is witty. She’s absolutely onto something in thinking that it’s cooler to die in a Segway accident then to successfully get from point A to point B on one. And honestly, the whole colon / semi-colon thing really amuses me. So this girl is cool and I’m the jerk that a lot of people thought that I was from the start.

What’s the point in acting like a jerk if the people that I think would find it funny that I'm acting this way, are actually the people that remind me how crappy it is to be a jerk. I've been found out. I need a new project, and another shower. I just took a shower, but no matter how hard I scrubbed, the dirt didn't come off.

CLP #5: My Soul Hurts, Where's My Sharpie?

Craig's List Project #5

So, after a bunch of threats, some inspiring legal reminders, and some major soul searching, I've decided that it is too heartless of me to put these women's pictures up without their consent. What's the solution, you might ask? Well, for some reason, a single skinny black line covering one's eyes turns slander and internet fraud into good clean family fun. Legally, I'm as innocent as a penny pinching grandma, but I'm sure that in the grand scheme of things, I'll burn for this. That's okay, I like BBQ.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

CLP #4: In The Meantime...

Craig's List Project #4

I've been told I'm an a-hole, a jerk and that I'm brutal. I agree, but the experiment must continue to it's bitter and ill-conceived, yet genius conclusion; a real date from a Craigslist posting. I will eventually put up a real ad for my-lonely-self on Craigslist and ask one of the people who responds to it to go out on a real date. I know that I am condemning myself to either of the following situations.

1) No one will respond to the ad and I will feel shattered because a business man with the entertainment value of a pile of rocks and a basement-dwelling, video game designer are, in fact, cooler than I am or ever will be.

2) I will go on a date, end up being bored in the first 10 minutes and tell her about the experiment. As a result, I will get a pitcher of ice water poured on my head, slapped in the face, stuck with the bill and never hear from her again. I will then live the rest of my life as I had lived it up to that point, but living with the shame in knowing that I had been rightfully slapped in the face for being a douche-pump.

3) I will be found out. Not necessarily about this project, just found out in general. I have many secretes and any one of them could destroy me.

4) I will lose interest in the project, spend days repenting for all of the lying-to-women I've been doing and... wanna ride bikes?

5)Meet the woman of my dreams, fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

I'm TOTALLY counting on #5. But in the meantime, here is my most favorite song of all time, ever. It's been stuck in my head since the wedding a month ago and was the theme music for the bachelor party. Enjoy!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

CLP #3: Mr Boring Is Quite A Catch

Craig's List Project #3

Does no one get it? I’m concerned about the results from my experiment. Mr. Boring seems to be a highly desirable guy, which is odd to me because I tried to make him as bland as possible. Here are some of the points I made sure to include when creating him. These points were supposed to make him seem like as much fun as playing with belly button lint while trapped in a 3 hour line at the DMV.
1) The phrase “I work hard and play hard” has always pissed me off and been immediately indicative of an idiot. Now, adding that playing “hard” includes golf, the only sport where you are supplied a little car to get from one end of a lawn to another, shows just how “hard” someone is willing to play, or work.
2) I mention being “athletic” or “fit” EIGHT TIMES in one paragraph.
3) I ask for an “attractive” or “athletic” woman FIVE TIMES in the same paragraph.
4) My favorite movies are all Oscar winners for best picture.
5) My favorite TV show are all Emmy winners
6) I like “fun things” and my idea of “fun places” are Jersey and Vegas.
7) “Smart is good, also” is the last sentence in what I’m looking for. Obviously after all five of the “attractive” requests.
8) I’m “tired of the club scene,” but want to “get decked out and hit the clubs.”
9) I call women “Hot Stuff.”
10) After a list of 34 adjectives about myself, I causally mention that I “don’t like talking about myself.”

I posted Mr. Boring at 4pm on Thursday, but by 9pm on Thursday there were already over 150 Men Seeking Women post ahead of mine. These guys buried my posting under a pile of “tried of the club scene” and “I’m looking for a special lady.” I thought no one would ever find my mystery man, let alone have the patience to read through this monotony that was my personality, let alone find it attractive to be called “hot stuff.”
But I was wrong. Here are some of the responces.

"Hey my name is Vicki I am 25 single no kids not married blah blah...
I live in the city I have a normal job not looking for a one night stand and any of that non-sense... Umm here are a few pics if you like you now where to respond."

This was honestly what I was expecting. Someone who a) doesn’t use any punctuation when trying to impress a guy. b) Saves time by writing only two blahs rather than the standard “blah blah blah.” c) Actually types “Umm” in an e-mail and even takes the time to capitalize it. And, d) misspells “know.” I attached the picture she sent because I've always wanted to know what people who don’t use commas look like. I figured you did, too. Now you now.

"Hi, I Am 21. Film Major And Waiter. From Ohio. If Interested Reply.".
I honestly knew more about this girl when I didn’t know anything about her. I don’t think I want to know more about her, even though she uses commas and periods.

Here’s where things started to bum me out. There are people that really want to meet a person as boring as the one I made up. These women really put themselves out there, but like the heartless bastard that I am, I have to squash their dreams of meeting Mr. Perfectly Bland.

"i saw your ad on craigslist and was ABSOLUTELY intrigued. sounds crazy to say, but you sound exactly like me. we really have a ton in common.

i am 25, 5'10", love being active. i have a great job in sales and love my convertible. i am very goal oriented. love getting dressed up, wine, vegas, travel, etc. anyway i can tell you more when we go out for a drink ;)
check out my pic and send yours, look forward to hearing from you!"


Awwww, isn’t the Don’t you feel e-butterflies in your e-stomach? And there was this nice lady, also.

So I just read your post on craigslist and you seem to be a decent guy. So I will tell you a little about me. First off I just moved to Chicago from Iowa about a month ago, and I throughly love it thus far. I'm very much into physical fitness and sports I like to stay in shape, my weakness is running. I've been running on lakeshore everyday since I got here rain or shine:) The rain being just as fun. Theres obviously so much in the city I have yet to see, but I've met a lot of pretty cool people and I love to go out to dinner and for drinks. I'm an all around girl I love everything from a good book and glass of wine to beer, pizza and football with the guys. I'm attaching a picture and hopefully I will get one in return."

She seems sweet. Both of them do. Too bad I don’t give a fuck. Too bad I’m going to post both of their honest and endearing attempts at meeting a new guy in the city up on my blog for countless people to laugh at. Well, maybe not countless, more like 7. Too bad I’m a heartless monster and will include their pictures on this post in case either of them have friends or coworkers or (better yet) x or future lovers that read this thing and then these ladies will have to move to a new city due to the humiliation of being suckered by a fake yet believable craigslist ad for a boring guy set up by a nutcase with no pants on at noon and with nothing but free time and house plants on his hands. It’s too bad, cause they seem so sweet.

These women seem so average in text form. No jokes, no edge, no attention grabbing qwarkyness or wackiness. Just the facts.

"Just thought that I would say hello. Read your post and you seem like a great down to earth guy. Didn't know if you were looking for someone downtown or not.

I am 29, 5'2 and 105 pounds. I do live in the suburbs. If interested I would like to hear from you"


All the responses have come to me by now. I’ve gotten all the “forced-smile” pictures from strangers that I could get by putting a suit on a hook and throwing it into the proverbial sea. By the way, this is the actual image that I used in the craigslist ad. Judgments have been slung around like pudding cups in a high school cafeteria food fight and I’ve got chocolate mud on my face. They judge my ad to see if I’m “the one”, or close enough to “the one” that they wont puke. Meanwhile, I judge them due to the fact that they responded to a fake craigslist ad that I couldn’t make more uninteresting without mentioning how much I dislike “bad stuff”. I’m sure that I’m the villain in this, and would be guilty of whatever lawsuits were filed against me for leading these women on, but come on. You’re reading this, and you are getting at least a hint of a smile from these fine, if not bland, women’s pain. You are a heartless monster also. So we are even.

There was one shining light that I should share. Even though this last person fell for a trap, they were a lot more conscious of what they were reading vs. what they were looking for.

"You are a professional, what type of business? You mention you don't like clubs but then you said we should get decked out and hit the clubs - what's the deal?"

Someone’s thinking. Well, there is only one logical thing to do next, and it isn’t to put on pants. I’m going to post another ad on craigslist, but rather than use a suit on a hook as bait, I’m going to use this.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

CLP #2: Mr. Boring is up and personalizing

Craig's List Project #2

Mr. Boring has a personal ad. This is it.

Hello ladies.
I am an athletic professional 29 year old looking to meet the right girl. I, too, am tired of the club scene and I want to try something new. I work out weekly. I’m friendly. I work hard (I wear a suit to work everyday) and play hard (golf and running). I like fine wines, the Cubs, running and biking on the lake, Itallian food and I love the central air conditioning in my condo because I like to keep my place cold. I’m tall (6’4”) and am fit and attractive. I am an interesting person, but not a freak show or chauvinist I take vitamins everyday and eat healthy foods. I love my family and I’m a nice guy. My favorite TV shows are: Family Guy, 24, Lost, Heros and the Daily Show. My favorite movies are: The Departed, Crash, Million Dollar Baby, Saving Private Ryan and American Beauty. I like meeting new people and doing fun things. I’m a down to Earth kind of guy and at the same time, I’m a successful and shred businessman. I make sure to have “downtime” for trips to Vegas and New Jersey and other fun places. I like doing athletic activities and have been told that I have a great body. I’m outgoing and polite, strong and sensitive. I don’t like talking about myself very much. I’d rather talk about you. I’d like to meet an attractive, slim, athletic woman, between the ages of 24 and 28. You should be fun loving and outgoing, ready to end the work week with a night out on the town. Let’s get decked out and hit the clubs. I’m really looking for a attractive woman to run and bike with, eat good food and drink fine wine, and someone to lounge in the wonders of my AC chilled condo. You should also be cute and drive a fast car. Smart is good, also. Get in touch with me, hot stuff.

We'll see what kinda response he gets from the ladies, the ladies.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

CLP #1:Craig's List Play-Doh Shop of Horrors

Craig's List Project #1

So here’s my next idea. I was recently on Craig’s List and found a section for personal ads. Men Seeking Women, Women Seeking Shallowness, Idiots Seeking Attention, Sledge Hammers Seeking Brick Walls, that kinda thing. I have found many things on Craig’s list in the past, from roommates and bandmates, to free sofas and cool wine bars, but I was amazed to realize that people can actually post want ads for companionship. It’s like doing a google search for the meaning of life (I must point out that I did this google search and found this link for The Meaning of Life – A Rational Philospohy which ended in a little chuckle, quite a chuckle indeed*) and believing that the results are the ultimate truth (which in this case, they just might be**).

There are so many varieties of hopelessness in these Craig’s list personal want ads. I looked mostly at what women were looking for in a man. My immediate reaction was “They are all searching for perfection in a relationship on a free website which I’ve used to get stinky free furniture and messy roommates.” My next reaction was, “why don’t any of these ladies post their picture when they are trying to attract the perfect man… online?” It crossed my mind that they might be recognized by co-workers or friends, but I wouldn’t be slowed down in my search for perfection if someone in the next cubical knew that I was actually looking for perfection. Then I thought that all these posters might be physically hideous, which could be true since conventional wisdom dictates that ‘all the good ones are taken’ and if that statement relates to the no-cost internet dating scene at all then it means that all the six foot, built-like-an-Amazon, sexpots were taken by the first coke-bottle-glasses wearing web searchers who used a plus sign in their online life partner searches (ex: “boobs + low standards + hot”). Or maybe these women were afraid that posting pictures of themselves would result in them being objectified as hot pieces of ass, or that their online suitors would begin to care less about who they were and what they listed as their interests and favorite TV shows and would care more about the face that was attached to those interests and glued to those TV shows.

And then, as if on cue, I had an epiphany. It occurred to me that not posting a picture lead to a bit of a chase. “Your picture gets mine” is a common ending for these want/need/fulfill ads and if your picture isn’t good enough then you aren’t gonna get one back. These women want the upper hand when it comes to harvesting the dregs of free on-line dating. Then it occurred to me that these women aren’t doing on-line searches for Mr. Perfection, they are looking for some Joe-Schmoe-average guy. They are putting out their bare minimal requirements for their own happiness within a relationship and hoping at least some of the points they put out there are characteristics that the afore mentioned Schmoe either displays prominently in their life, or partially, or can fake convincingly well in an anonymous response e-mail. It’s like building a house of cards with someone with Parkinson’s disease, you’ll be happy if you can get even the slightest resemblance of a foundation for a relationship.

So I decided to prey upon these women-seeking-men. I would create three different ‘men-seeking-women’. The first would be a direct response to what the majority of the ads asked for; a professional, athletic male, interested in walks, wine, and wealth, but as boring as an wet sac of dead rats. Then a man base upon my own interests and quarks; relatively lazy and interested in beverage temperature regulation and zombie impersonation. And, finally, a man that would represent contention for the lowest rung of the dating society; a basement dwelling video game addict that uses acronyms in their spoken language (ex: ST TNG, MMORPG, and the dreaded LOL and TTYL (that shit drives me bananas)).

Be warned. The characters are being made. You might ask, “What’s the point, dipshit?” Well, honestly, there is no point. I just want to see which of these characters will get the most responses, and what the content of the responses will be. As I develop these on-line dating personas, Mr Generic, My Inner Grown-Up Child and The Awful One, I will post their profiles and whatever responses each of them get. So stay tuned ‘cause it’s about to get interesting, if not time consuming.

* it's not a bad link, it said "not found" when I tried also
** Chose your own foot note. If you chose this foot note, turn to page 26, where you will die a horrible death. To chose a foot note that actually pertains to the context of this post, turn to page 93, where you will die a horrible death.