Wednesday, February 27, 2008

A Post With Very Little Thought Put Into It - Or - I Like Hubcaps And Corn

I hate Donald Trump. I think that he should be kicked in the teeth. He has his own bottled water that should also be kicked in the teeth. If you drink this water, you should be kicked in the teeth as well.

I like granola. Clumps of oats, almonds, brown sugar and sunflower seeds in milk make for a good morning. I keep my granola in a tin cylinder.

I hate hearing people’s drug stories. They are almost always pointless; and if there is a point to the story, it’s that they got really fucked up once. That’s not a good story no matter how cool you think talking to a clump of hair on the carpet for hours is. Chainsaw art, now that is cool.

I like making mix Cds. I like trying to figure out what song will blend into the next. If you ask me nicely, I’ll make you a mix Cd that you might like. You should do the same for me.

I hate going to big concerts. I recently went to Wilco and was less impressed with the band than I was depressed by the people surrounding me. I ending up leaving early with Tripp and catching the equally, if not more so, talented band Sexfist. I recommend that you see Sexfist as a first date, without telling your date what Sexfist is.

I like publicly making a fool of myself in Target. I recently got into a throw-pillow fight with a cute girl in the bedding isle. I bought a large Tupperware container for audio cables. She bought a trashcan. People were amused by our antics. So was I.

I hate parking tickets. I have somehow become a prime target for the bright orange envelope ammo of the meter-people’s wrath, I swear they have it out for me and my zippy black Scion. Since Jan 1st, 2008, I’ve been ticketed seven times for everything from with 20 feet of a crosswalk to obstruction of traffic. If I hadn’t contested these tickets, I would currently owe the city around $500. I’ve gotten out of four of them so far, but I’ve also been pulled over for speeding. I wonder what would happen if I was as good at quantum mechanics as I am at getting parking tickets.

I like having a hard drive on my keychain. It’s not a big one, just a 512mb flash drive keychain, but it makes my pocket feel like it is from the future.

I hate Telemarketers.

I love bourbon. I always will. Cheers.

Friday, February 08, 2008

I Am America's Next Top Modle – OR – How Getting Fired Was My First Step Towards Being In The Band Of My Dreams

Here is a short list of facts:

1) Goner is a band of badasses.
2) I got fired from bong.
3) I’ve gotten more sympathy from strangers and strange friends for losing a crappy bartending job then I did when my grandmother died.
4) Everyone’s grandmother dies.
5) My life has gotten noticeably better since my Wednesday nights have been spent doing yoga rather than bar tending at a dive bar.
6) I do yoga and I make fun of people who do yoga.
7) I make fun of myself for many reasons.
8) My friend Swampthing and I had a great conversation about music. It was such a good conversation that (now) we both have written about it. He wrote a lot more about it than I did.
9) I got a ticket after blowing donuts in a Home Depot parking lot, during a snow storm, after going bowling with Bearhead. I won at bowling.
10) Proof was playing in my CD player when I got pulled over, which is probably why I was speeding in the first place. I didn’t turn it down when the cop asked for my ID and insurance.
11) I’ve been told if I contest the ticket and then plead guilty to the judge, it will only cost me $45 and it won’t go down on my permanent record.
12) I’ve got a great collection of records but I don’t have a record player.
13) Swampthing and I did a photo shoot in CafĂ© Bong the day after I was fired. He is a great photographer. Esther, who is my good good friend, set it up since I couldn’t go in due to the fact that I was fired.
14) Esther is awesome. In fact, she is probably the most awesome person on the face of the planet, you just don’t know it because you haven’t met Esther.
15) You should meet Esther
16) The photo shoot was for the cover of the new Goner album, Rock and Roll Always Forgets.
17) Goner loved the shoot and is putting me, my fedora and my white sneakers on the cover. I look like Run DMC.
18) I have to go to the DMV to keep this ticket off my record.
19) I will be in the studio tomorrow morning at 9am to record some college kids singing Abba. That song always gets stuck in my head and I need to play Proof loudly to get it out.
20) I’m famous, or at least my back, my hat and my shoes will be famous.
21) It’s been a great week.

Photo and Design by Ian Merritt. See more of his photograpy at