Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Mr. T and me.

Mr T rocks my world
He called me “Brother.” That makes it official. I am a “brother” now and no one can take that away, because Mr. T said so. I was working at the Four Seasons Hotel, running sound for a 21 piece band. I was out front, enjoying my 5 minute break, standing in front of the revolving doors to the hotel, shooting the breeze with the Valet parking guys when out of no where a large black man wearing a gray hoodie Chicago sweater, speed-walks up to me like only Mr. T. can, and says, “Hey, brother!” like only Mr. T can. To which I replied, “Hey, Mr. T! You were great on the Conan O’Brian show.” He shook my hand, which had jumped out of my Tux pocket and was preventing him from entering the hotel, and replied, “That was the best interview I’ve ever done.” If you haven’t seen the Mr. T. interview on Conan O’Brian, they both end up on top of his desk, dancing like madmen and stating how a talking Mr. T doll is gonna ‘deflower Barbie after kicking G.I. Joe’s ass”. I released his hand and watched a 70 year old woman chase him to the elevators, demand a hug then brag to her husband as they got into their Cadillac. Here’s a video that Mr. T made, it contains knowledge of the ages, so pay attention, fool.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Monday night gang fight

Be warned, I'm drunk. But it seemed like a good time to (post stuff). Yes, it's monday night, but I work on the weekend, every weekend and I have a recording session in the morning, but that's only if you count noon as part of the morning, which I sometimes do. That being said, tomorrow morning, I have a session at noon.

I just came back from a dive bar. I don't think that it's worth going to expensive bars durring the week, or the month or year for that matter. If I wanted to be distracted by large amounts of flat plasma I'd jump into a volcano. Alas, there are no volcano's in Chicago, which is a good thing. So I was at a dive bar and I saw a gang fight. Snoopy is a Latin King. Some poor Mexican, who was very bad at singing along to Mexican songs I'd never heard before, beat Snoopy at pool and, as a result, Snoopy tried to choke him / kill him. I meet Snoopy because I was drinking Scotch, which he thought was Tequila. In my years, I've learned that anyone drinking Scotch in a bar wants to be older than they actually are. In my defense, I'm old enough and just want something to slow me down after a long night. Regardless of why I was drinking Scotch, my new buddy, Snoopy, decided the best thing for him to do was to try to beat the crap out of some guy that beat him in pool. He got kicked out of the dive bar after disrupting some perfectly docile chairs with a very surprised pool victor. I, thinking it was a joke, laughed out loud. Then I realized that it wasn't a joke and jumped in, dragged my new acquaintance, Snoopy, off some other stranger, all the while being called a 'nigga' by a very angry Latin King with fire behind his eyes. Snoopy left, I returned to my Scotch unscathed, and I drank my unscathed Scotch. I'm not sure why I keep capitalizing Scotch, it's just one of those drinks that takes it's self so seriously that I feel that it should start with a capital letter. Am I wrong? It's possible. Who can say? Regardless. I walked across the street to my apt and figured I should write this all down (after e-mailing it all to a different stranger, yes, a stranger that is stranger to me than you). So that is what happened to me tonight. Behold! I've got nothing better to do than to write this down, until tomorrow morning at noon. That's when I've got something better to do.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

My favorite words

(adj) endearing term for a friend who has wronged you by doing any of the following activities behind, or in front of your back.

1) A bizzo is someone who calles and leaves a message on your answering service that starts with "Hey Jerkface! What'cha doing tonight, probably something stupid."

2) A bizzo is someone who casually compares you to an unflattering actor or actress as a way to start up a conversation. Ex. "With your hair like that, you look just like that tall bad guy from Home Alone. Not Joe Peski, the other guy. What was his name? That movie sucked. Anyway, what's up, Jerkface?"

3) A bizzo is someone who, after years of not seeing you due to their copping out on your 2004 New Years party the day before New Years, and convinces all his friends not to come either, calls you an "asshole" and demands that you buy him a drink after two years of excomunication. That being said, a true bizzo will take the drink they forced you to buy for them as an exceptable appology from you, for what they did to you and your failed party.

4) A bizzo will suddenly and abrupty adopt words you've coined and tries to 'zing' you with them. Ex. "Hey, Bizzo! What'cha doing tonight, probably something stupid, Jerkface."

5) A bizzo doesn't drink after you cheers them for being such a good friend, but rather puts their beer down and suddenly remembers how much money you owe them.

6) A bizzo lives their life like a Greek Tragedy of tiny proportions. Ex. "I usually love Kim Chee when its a few months old, but this stuff has sat in the sun too long and tastes like rotten ass. You gotta try it, Jerkface. It's horrible."

Gurmorphen : gur'-morf-inn
(Exclamation) The sound one makes while spitting water back into a public water fountain after being unpleasantly surprised at the temperature, color, taste, texture, and chemical composition of city tap water.

(Adj/N/V/Exclamation) - A situation, person, experience, or incident that is so overwhelmingly odd that a person succumbs to nausea, hot flashes, cold spells, shortness of breath, irritable bowel syndrome, loss of balance, loss of vision, loss of car keys, scientology, easy-to-use, dishwasher and microwave safe, shoe horn, light house, nearer my God to thee, odorless garlic extract and nosebleeds. Consult your doctor and hide in the basement. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.

Vocab +2 to hit

I got this e-mail from my Pops, who I love. He is the smartest man I know and we make each other laugh.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly Neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v): to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n): olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n): a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n): a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Circumvent (n): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misre presentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.