Wednesday, September 12, 2007

CLP #3: Mr Boring Is Quite A Catch

Craig's List Project #3

Does no one get it? I’m concerned about the results from my experiment. Mr. Boring seems to be a highly desirable guy, which is odd to me because I tried to make him as bland as possible. Here are some of the points I made sure to include when creating him. These points were supposed to make him seem like as much fun as playing with belly button lint while trapped in a 3 hour line at the DMV.
1) The phrase “I work hard and play hard” has always pissed me off and been immediately indicative of an idiot. Now, adding that playing “hard” includes golf, the only sport where you are supplied a little car to get from one end of a lawn to another, shows just how “hard” someone is willing to play, or work.
2) I mention being “athletic” or “fit” EIGHT TIMES in one paragraph.
3) I ask for an “attractive” or “athletic” woman FIVE TIMES in the same paragraph.
4) My favorite movies are all Oscar winners for best picture.
5) My favorite TV show are all Emmy winners
6) I like “fun things” and my idea of “fun places” are Jersey and Vegas.
7) “Smart is good, also” is the last sentence in what I’m looking for. Obviously after all five of the “attractive” requests.
8) I’m “tired of the club scene,” but want to “get decked out and hit the clubs.”
9) I call women “Hot Stuff.”
10) After a list of 34 adjectives about myself, I causally mention that I “don’t like talking about myself.”

I posted Mr. Boring at 4pm on Thursday, but by 9pm on Thursday there were already over 150 Men Seeking Women post ahead of mine. These guys buried my posting under a pile of “tried of the club scene” and “I’m looking for a special lady.” I thought no one would ever find my mystery man, let alone have the patience to read through this monotony that was my personality, let alone find it attractive to be called “hot stuff.”
But I was wrong. Here are some of the responces.

"Hey my name is Vicki I am 25 single no kids not married blah blah...
I live in the city I have a normal job not looking for a one night stand and any of that non-sense... Umm here are a few pics if you like you now where to respond."

This was honestly what I was expecting. Someone who a) doesn’t use any punctuation when trying to impress a guy. b) Saves time by writing only two blahs rather than the standard “blah blah blah.” c) Actually types “Umm” in an e-mail and even takes the time to capitalize it. And, d) misspells “know.” I attached the picture she sent because I've always wanted to know what people who don’t use commas look like. I figured you did, too. Now you now.

"Hi, I Am 21. Film Major And Waiter. From Ohio. If Interested Reply.".
I honestly knew more about this girl when I didn’t know anything about her. I don’t think I want to know more about her, even though she uses commas and periods.

Here’s where things started to bum me out. There are people that really want to meet a person as boring as the one I made up. These women really put themselves out there, but like the heartless bastard that I am, I have to squash their dreams of meeting Mr. Perfectly Bland.

"i saw your ad on craigslist and was ABSOLUTELY intrigued. sounds crazy to say, but you sound exactly like me. we really have a ton in common.

i am 25, 5'10", love being active. i have a great job in sales and love my convertible. i am very goal oriented. love getting dressed up, wine, vegas, travel, etc. anyway i can tell you more when we go out for a drink ;)
check out my pic and send yours, look forward to hearing from you!"


Awwww, isn’t the Don’t you feel e-butterflies in your e-stomach? And there was this nice lady, also.

So I just read your post on craigslist and you seem to be a decent guy. So I will tell you a little about me. First off I just moved to Chicago from Iowa about a month ago, and I throughly love it thus far. I'm very much into physical fitness and sports I like to stay in shape, my weakness is running. I've been running on lakeshore everyday since I got here rain or shine:) The rain being just as fun. Theres obviously so much in the city I have yet to see, but I've met a lot of pretty cool people and I love to go out to dinner and for drinks. I'm an all around girl I love everything from a good book and glass of wine to beer, pizza and football with the guys. I'm attaching a picture and hopefully I will get one in return."

She seems sweet. Both of them do. Too bad I don’t give a fuck. Too bad I’m going to post both of their honest and endearing attempts at meeting a new guy in the city up on my blog for countless people to laugh at. Well, maybe not countless, more like 7. Too bad I’m a heartless monster and will include their pictures on this post in case either of them have friends or coworkers or (better yet) x or future lovers that read this thing and then these ladies will have to move to a new city due to the humiliation of being suckered by a fake yet believable craigslist ad for a boring guy set up by a nutcase with no pants on at noon and with nothing but free time and house plants on his hands. It’s too bad, cause they seem so sweet.

These women seem so average in text form. No jokes, no edge, no attention grabbing qwarkyness or wackiness. Just the facts.

"Just thought that I would say hello. Read your post and you seem like a great down to earth guy. Didn't know if you were looking for someone downtown or not.

I am 29, 5'2 and 105 pounds. I do live in the suburbs. If interested I would like to hear from you"


All the responses have come to me by now. I’ve gotten all the “forced-smile” pictures from strangers that I could get by putting a suit on a hook and throwing it into the proverbial sea. By the way, this is the actual image that I used in the craigslist ad. Judgments have been slung around like pudding cups in a high school cafeteria food fight and I’ve got chocolate mud on my face. They judge my ad to see if I’m “the one”, or close enough to “the one” that they wont puke. Meanwhile, I judge them due to the fact that they responded to a fake craigslist ad that I couldn’t make more uninteresting without mentioning how much I dislike “bad stuff”. I’m sure that I’m the villain in this, and would be guilty of whatever lawsuits were filed against me for leading these women on, but come on. You’re reading this, and you are getting at least a hint of a smile from these fine, if not bland, women’s pain. You are a heartless monster also. So we are even.

There was one shining light that I should share. Even though this last person fell for a trap, they were a lot more conscious of what they were reading vs. what they were looking for.

"You are a professional, what type of business? You mention you don't like clubs but then you said we should get decked out and hit the clubs - what's the deal?"

Someone’s thinking. Well, there is only one logical thing to do next, and it isn’t to put on pants. I’m going to post another ad on craigslist, but rather than use a suit on a hook as bait, I’m going to use this.


  1. Anonymous1:57 PM

    HiLaRiOuS PoSt RoGeR!!!! LOL OMG ROFL!!!
    Go fuck the drunk blonde if you can.
    If you have enough time to fuck with strangers, you have enough time to call (or email, Mr Boring) me back to mention youre too busy to rehearse. asshole.
    tuesday and wednesday, 12 noon Bubba.

  2. Anonymous12:11 PM

    Roger, I hope you never, EVER find any of my posts online. You are brutal, dude! But, being the heartless monster I am, I did get a giggle (or six) out of Mr. Boring's lady-loves.

    Till we meet again,

  3. Kim,
    I will find you.
    I will find you and I will post your picture, address, phone number, blood type, SS#, credit card numbers, favorite TV shows, shoe size, wall paper pattern preference, sleeping habits, childhood finger paintings, favorite type of toilet paper, and average walking speed. Who's brutal now? Still me? Good. That's what I was going for.
    p.s. Call me?

  4. Roger, this is Catherine. Brilliant. We are like minded souls because at my old job, I used to post fake jobs on Craigslist and those get back some pretty sweet applications as well. And they make me feel powerful. AND- some of them had good coverletters that I cut and pasted from. Well done!