I try and try and try to be so shallow. I am getting so good at it. I’m beginning to convince myself (and almost everyone I tell about this project) that I am, in all actually, this shallow. I can play the heartless monster for only so long. I have taken this Craig’s list thing too far and now even I am wincing at myself. The second step of this project was to create the worst possible dating personality; a selfish, self absorbed, self centered yet completely un-self-sufficient basement dweller. I think I nailed it. Behold.
So I’ll just start like this. I am awesome. I am perfectly f**king perfect and great and f**king great. I am a beta male doing beta tests. I design, test and play video games for a living (it's called beta testing). It’s a dream job. I don’t go out in the sun very often and have, what you might call, a “subway tan” which isn’t a tan at all; it’s more of an insult. I also know how to use semi-colons and will correct your grammar. That being said, I am really bad at spelling. I know the perception of a beta testers is a ruff one, but I’m not fat (which is surprising because I’m really lazy) and I do have a sense of dignity and and a sense style. I believe that chivalry is dead, but I am extra chivalrous because of that point. I used to live in my parents basement, but they kicked me out years ago. I got this job and now I rent a garden apt in a building that my parents own.
Here’s what I look for in a woman
I’m looking for a fun woman who gets me. You could pack a picnic and we could go to the back yard and you could feed me grapes off the vine and we could drink like fish till the sun goes down. I will only respond to e-mails with pictures.”
Before I justify my despair, let me just say that “being the ‘us’ in, ‘All your base are belong to us’” is the best pick-up line I’ve ever thought up and is in contention for the best pick-up line ever. It even beats “Excuse me, does this rag smell like chloroform?” I feel like a scumbag just typing that.
I remember laughing as I was making this guy; thinking to myself, “Wow, it’s funny how much of an ass this guy would be.” You know this kinda guy, the condescending IT guy. But it’s not really funny making an ass. People who are asses don’t amuse me in real life, they either piss me off by being asses or bum me out because there are already so many asses and now I know that there is one more in the world. So why did I get such a thrill out of making up a self absorbed jerk and trying to pick up women with him? Is it really to see how low the Craig's list dating standards are? Or am I becoming the type of person who delights in seeing the dating tactics of desperate people? I did enjoy receiving and reposting the response to my previous on-line personal, and probably will enjoy them for a long time to come. That's because I received responses from people who were as boring as the wet Armani blanket that I tossed to them. But this more recent post was different, I received only one response, and it hit me like a wrecking ball.
“It's a shame that you will only reply to people who provide you with a picture. I think we have a lot in common. At the same time, I am not going to send a random person a picture. You could be a pervert who just wants to collect pictures. I suppose that you could still be a creepy pervert even after we exchange a couple of emails. However, I assume that most creeps wouldn't bother to respond.
I enjoy games and have a Wii
I dislike semi-colons, but I like colons.
I would also like to own a Segway. If I can't own one, I think it would be funny to get run over by one.
What do you mean by someone with chains in her wardrobe?
Anyway, I'll just send this now seeing as you aren't going to respond anyway.”
This is why this all must end. This woman called me out, called me a creep and I feel like a creep. I figured that by including “I will only respond to e-mails with pictures,” I was following normal douche bag operating procedure on Craig’s list, but now I think that it was more devious than that. Was I going to do the same thing that I did for my last post, rip any woman that has the guts to reply to shreds and put their pictures online for public humiliation? Probably. Am I the pervert that she is afraid of sending a picture to? Maybe. Not in a sexual way at all, but my intentions were perverse in the sense that the picture I asked for would have been used against her rather than to give me an idea of who she really is. That’s the heartless monster in me that I’ve been conscientiously training to tap dance with golf shoes on upon other peoples hopes and dreams. But this girl actually redirects the humiliation back at me and points out my creepiness. The real problem I have with myself after getting this e-mail is that, not only is she right, but this girl is witty. She’s absolutely onto something in thinking that it’s cooler to die in a Segway accident then to successfully get from point A to point B on one. And honestly, the whole colon / semi-colon thing really amuses me. So this girl is cool and I’m the jerk that a lot of people thought that I was from the start.
What’s the point in acting like a jerk if the people that I think would find it funny that I'm acting this way, are actually the people that remind me how crappy it is to be a jerk. I've been found out. I need a new project, and another shower. I just took a shower, but no matter how hard I scrubbed, the dirt didn't come off.