Friday, November 28, 2008

My Own Personal Financial Crisis – or – Your Call Is Being Rerouted To The Land Of Wrath.

I try to call my folks every once in a while. This is what they had to say to me this weekend when I called them.
“Your call has been redirected to sprint customer finance services, please do not hang up.”
“Hi Mom! It’s me, Obsquatch. You sound weird, are you alright?”
“To make a payment to apply to your over limit or past due balance, please hold.”
“How are things in the frozen Tundra of Vermont. I really miss it; the snow, the mountains, my old friends, and of course you and pops.”
“An immediate payment that satisfies your over limit or past due account may instantly reconnect service.”
“I’m having a good time here in Chicago as winter sets in. I like the cold, but I think I’m the only person who does. Oh yeah, thanks for that bread recipe; I make my own bread now. I’m trying to get back east for Christmas or New Years.”
“Para espanol, empuje el numero cinco…”
“I gotta run. Say hi to pops for me. Thanks Mom!

So, I haven’t paid the bill in a little while. Whoops. In all actuality, it’s kind of nice not being able to call anyone. I can still get calls, I just can’t call anyone back. And I can’t check my voice mail, or get text messages, or send text messages, or play World Of Warcraft: Cellphone Edition, which I didn’t anyway. Having a phone that only works when you don’t use it is like wearing a muzzle… on vibrate.

In other news, the Seven Deadly Sins Project has started the downward spiral of despair and self-loathing that all my little projects seem to end up doing. The reason this is happening is because I have a serious problem with the “Christmas Spirit,” mostly because I think it is pure and utter bullshit. Most religious historians admit that Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas day, or anywhere near this time of year, or, for that matter, in a manger, or in front of three kings, or under a big glowing star. Most of the Dec 25th stuff is a Christian adaptation and combination of Roman (Attis), Greek (Dionysus), and Persian (Mithra) Pagan elements, all of which focus around the winter solstice. Attis was born from a virgin mother, that almond loving slut, and Dionysus was the divine son of Zeus, at least one of the eighty (he can also turn water into wine, among other parlor tricks), and Mithra’s birth was witnessed by shepherds and gift-bearing Magi. So it looks to me like lil’ baby Jesus was nothing but a faker, a liar, a copycat, at best a celestial plagiarist. And I’ll be damned if I’m gonna cut down a perfectly happy pine tree, cover it with popcorn, knick-knacks, patty-whacks, brick-a-brack and chocolate-covered pretzels, and think of it as some kind of birthday alter to a religious identity thief. Not in this dojo, mofo.

But Jesus’ obsession with stealing other children of God’s SS#’s is not why I don’t like Chirstmas, and it’s not the contrived, mass-capitalism that has gripped our nation, causing things like “Black Friday” and “The Christmas Effect.” It’s the fucking music. I am forced to listen to “The Holiday Light” radio station at the greenhouse. This causes massive amount of wrath to bubble up inside of me. It eventually spills out in sporadic fits of frothing madness. So, although not having paid my cell phone bill did cause me bouts of envy and greed, my wrath count has skyrocketed due to my dictated work soundtrack. Instead of giving you a list of the Seven Deadly Sins, I am going to provide you with a list of the most played Christmas songs over the course of an eight hour day.
Let It Snow – IV
The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year – VIII
O, Silent Night – XI (mostly Bocelli and Josh Groban)
On The First Noel – V
Jingle Bell Rock – III
All I Want For Christmas Is You – VII
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas – VII
Little Drummer Boy – IV

Each time any of these songs makes it’s way to my ear drums, I feel like ripping the speakers out of the wall, setting them on fire, chanting some demonic incantation, ripping all my clothes off, and throwing myself into the fish pond. But remember that this is just a log of one day of the radio observation. We’ve been piping in “holiday music” for a week now, so if I add all these bits of rage together for the week, the numbers start looking like this.

Lust – 27
Wrath – 289
Gluttony – 11
Greed – 3
Pride – 29
Envy – 13
Sloth – 22

Thank god that Linus and Lucy is considered “Christmas Music.”

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous1:15 AM

    "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."-Dorthy Parker

    Since you're in the holiday spirit, thought I'd send you a quote from someone who had an opinion to the holidays, as well.