Sunday, April 12, 2009

Darksiders VS Nerdfighter - or - Someone Is Gonna Get An Eye Poked Out

Krumbine has been hinting that he wants to start a battle royal between the Darksiders and nerdfightaria. Krumbine, I am sad to tell you that I'm completely convinced that the nerdfighters will eventually overpower you and destroy you, and you will walk away from this confrontation with a pocket protector full of pens, duct tape on your glasses, and a surprisingly emotional love for Harry Potter. You will be crushed.

First off, you are severely outnumbered, 2,528 to 76,366*, and even though us darksiders might posses formidable physical prowess and prolific mental aptitude, us nerdfighters are straight up smart motherfuckers. Let's break it down a bit though. Of the four horsemen of the Darksiders, You (Krumbine), MissPacman, Depointless, and SolidGold (Middlebrook), there is no question that Misspacman could easily bring her quota of 30 seventeen year-old boys to their knees in a matter of seconds, in fact I bet of all four of you, she would be the most effective weapon against nerds. I'm also sure that Middlebrook could eat quite a few nerdfighters before they eventually overpowered him and shaved him. But in all honesty, you, Krukmbine, don't stand a chance of standing up the the Hank-ogling nerdfighter fan-girls or the John-worshiping screaming dork bookworms that those two brothers have amassed since Jan 2007. Don't you forget, John Green in a bonafide New York Times Bestselling author, where as you write stories about poop.

Secondly, nerdfighters are currently and feverishly working on making a time machine to kid-nap Kim Jung Il's father when he was a baby. The reason they are after Kim's father is because he is currently the, ahem, President of North Korea for [get this] eternity, even though he is dead. I shit you not. Now, the nerdfighters have already figured out how to make a time machine that will forever be able to time travel back to this precise moment in time, but not any earlier. And by this precise moment I mean Easter 2009, cause this is the precise moment that I have 6 pounds of pepper bacon in my fridge. That being said, if they are planning on taking out the North Korean President for Eternity, I don't think that they will have a moments hesitation taking you, an awkward flailing hairless ape of a man, out of the picture.

Be afraid, Krumbine. Be afraid.

I am torn between the two sides of this battle and, as much as I would enjoy stomping some nerdfigter-ass, I really like reading and learning and solving the problem of world-suck. Nerdfighters vs. Darksiders. I gotta go with the nerds on this one. We are legion.

*I got these numbers by adding the subscription count of what we will now and forever more refer to as the Four Horsemen: MissPacMan08, the brains, brawn, and beauty of the the operation, Depointless, the seducer of all things innocent to the darkside, Krumbine, the under appreciated, mischievous, yet lovably pet monkey of the group, and Middlebrook, the hairy yeti.

For those of you who have no idea what the hell I'm talking about and have gotten this far and actually want to know what the hell I'm talking about, I guess congrats are in order? Here's some info.
The VlogBrothers YouTube page. They have more fans than Oprah.
Nerdfightaria, home of the nerdfighters.
Krumbine, Mr. Creative-creative-creative-shoot-me-in-the-face-already.
MissPacman08, the lawn-chair lounging, lemonade sipping, Queen of hearts. Read what she writes here. It's really good stuff.
Middlebrook, the most awesome Canadian ever, period.
Depointless, a confirmed and accredited sexy beast of a man.


  1. Okay okay, I'm willing to admit we MIGHT just get our asses kicked.

    Even more so now that you've gone and posted all our ingenious tactics so publicly. The one thing we had goin' for us was anonymity. They never would have seen us coming. Thanks Obsquatch. Thanks a lot. You traitor.

    But defeat suits us darksiders just fine. Our greatest advantage is that we've got nothing to lose. Our shadowy little corner will always be there to welcome back the rejects with open ... cameras and we'll display our duct taped glasses proudly. Thankfully void of ogling fan-girls and mainstream viral fame.. the Darkside just wouldn't feel like home without a little failure.

  2. What you don't realize, dear Obsquatch ... is that the Darksiders of Krumbination have already won.

    Oh, yes ... wallow in the defeat of my mighty Crouching Face-to-Foot Style!

    ... is sweet victory supposed to leave so much blood and pain on my person?

    @Heather Maria: Never give up, NEVER surrender! In this battle, defeat is only served to those who admit it! We cannot be unseated from our mighty throne because THERE IS NO THRONE!!! We are, therefore, undefeatable.

    Long live the Darkside! Long live Krumbination! Long live ME!

    Argue with me. DO IT.

  3. Having an membership in both the Nerdfighters and the Darkside because, after all, we are all made of awesome. I have to back Obsy on this one.

    We would closely resemble the Carthaginians after the third Punic war. To save you the effort of Googling this reference, that little dust-up ended after a long costly series of engagements with our heroes being enslaved by the Romans.

    Not Good.

  4. And this...I find charming. As a "Hank-ogling nerdfighter fan-girls" you know you are one too (don't forget I get to party with both in Boston the end of May with Mae) I have to agree that Nerdfighteria could win all battles.

    Question though, if Hank can get over his time travel issues...and believe me they are a conundrum...would Krumbine (sp?) be a candidate for the Evil Baby Orphanage? Can we walk around with stickers that say EBO and stick them to people like "kick me" signs?