Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
things to do when you are single
Tonight I'm going out with some friends. One of which is the guitar player in the tin pan ally band, Sons of Susan which I've been playing with for a few months. His name is Nathan. His girlfriend is going to come out tonight also. We are all going to see a band called Sex Fist. They are a bluegrass band, and strictly bluegrass. I'll also be meeting the lead man from a rock band I used to be in, Moxie Motive. I'm going to ask him if I can become his booking agent. So tonight is a double date between Nathan and Katie, and me and a x-bandmate. Last time I talked to this x-bandmate, things didn't go so well and I quit the band and haven't talked to him since. I'm nervous like I'm actually going on a date with him. Fucking musicians. Nothing is ever simple. Should be a fun night. You should check out sexfist.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
A blog is a sledghammer, if it's any kinda hammer. Maybe it's a jackhammer. Maybe both. Maybe not.
I wrote something depressing the other day. Just a few sentences that crossed my mind, then my fingertips, and froze me for a good 20 minutes as I just read and reread and rereread what I had written.
“You know when you are looking through some old boxes and you find a old photo of yourself smiling innocently at time when you had really tapped into something good, and you can see in that 10-years-ago smile that there wasn't anything coming down the pike at you to be afraid of for at least 10 years or so and now that you're there, you notice that you don't smile like that anymore.”
Not a suicide note or anything, but clearly depressing. It’s the truth in that photo’s ‘then-and-now’ contrast that has thrown doubt into the validity of the standard guidance councilor question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” What the hell did I want to do with my life while I was smiling away like that? Smiling like I didn’t know a damn thing. I wasn’t thinking about taxes, about a job, about the rent or the bills. I was in the here and now right then and there. Think about it. A good day for me used to be getting as many laughs as I could. Now, to get a good laugh, I tell stories about the days when I used to have days that made me laugh. What I’m trying to say is, life isn’t as funny as it used to be.
“You know when you are looking through some old boxes and you find a old photo of yourself smiling innocently at time when you had really tapped into something good, and you can see in that 10-years-ago smile that there wasn't anything coming down the pike at you to be afraid of for at least 10 years or so and now that you're there, you notice that you don't smile like that anymore.”
Not a suicide note or anything, but clearly depressing. It’s the truth in that photo’s ‘then-and-now’ contrast that has thrown doubt into the validity of the standard guidance councilor question, “what do you want to be when you grow up?” What the hell did I want to do with my life while I was smiling away like that? Smiling like I didn’t know a damn thing. I wasn’t thinking about taxes, about a job, about the rent or the bills. I was in the here and now right then and there. Think about it. A good day for me used to be getting as many laughs as I could. Now, to get a good laugh, I tell stories about the days when I used to have days that made me laugh. What I’m trying to say is, life isn’t as funny as it used to be.
Monday, March 26, 2007
The blorst of times
Today, I didn't do much. I put away my electric blanket. I paid some bills online. I played a game that involves a monkey kicking a coconut. Check out my high score. Life is hard.
5092 Monkey Meters
5092 Monkey Meters
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Fuck it, mofo. Fuck it.
Fuck it. I like swearing in pubic so I'm gonna do it publicly, on a blog. Publogicly.
Fuckin' fuck shit ass twat cock motherfucker felching douche fist bitch cunt dick fuck monkey fucking asshole licker cock sucker donkey puncher.
Freedom of speech is being taken advantage of by a drunk right now, but remains unscathed. Unity creates ignorance, ignorance is untidy, thus unity needs a diaper and the diaper should stay on for a week, at least! Fuck you, asshole!
Fuckin' fuck shit ass twat cock motherfucker felching douche fist bitch cunt dick fuck monkey fucking asshole licker cock sucker donkey puncher.
Freedom of speech is being taken advantage of by a drunk right now, but remains unscathed. Unity creates ignorance, ignorance is untidy, thus unity needs a diaper and the diaper should stay on for a week, at least! Fuck you, asshole!
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Proverbs obsquatched
A fool and his money are soon partying, and if you're early to bed, then you aren't invited.
A friend in need is a mooch.
A house divided against itself is called a duplex.
A leopard cannot change its spots, but if it spots you, it might chew your face off, buddy.
A penny saved is waste of a bank account.
A picture paints a thousand words, but a Madonna made of shit will sell for ten thousand dollars.
A woman's work is never done... I can only get in trouble here... I'm gonna leave this one alone.
A watched pothead says "dude" a lot.
Actions speak louder than words, and a fist up the ass is the loudest action ever.
An ounce of prevention is worth a week of antibiotics and timeless Internet fame
You reap what you sow, and you sell on e-bay what you reap from your relatives during the holidays.
Ask no questions, hear no lies, get no dates, jerk off in the dark, alone.
All's fair in love and war, except for kicking someone in the nuts.
Beauty is only skin deep, but I'm just that shallow.
Better to have loved and lost than gotten kicked in the nuts.
Birds of one feather must have trouble flying unless they share.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and be kicked in the nuts.
Blood is thicker than water, but not richer or smoother than Ovaltine.
Cleanliness is godliness, and I steer clear of hubris.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless it is made of prime rib.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, so lube up first.
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched, unless you are selling eggs.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, unless you only have one egg, or one basket.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and a complete waste of time.
Every man has his price, mine is $5 even.
Faith will move mountains, and so will atomic bombs launched in the name of faith.
Flattery will get you laid.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread because angels have no balls.
Good things come to those who have rich fathers
Good fences make good neighbours, but bad feces makes angry neighbors.
Haste makes waste and inflames hemorrhoids.
Home is where the belching, farting, cursing and crotch scratching never stops.
If God had meant us to fly, He'd have taken away those little seat belts on airplanes.
If at first you don't succeed, you're a loser.
If you don't have anything nice to say, blow it out your ass, dick wad.
If life deals you lemons, shit on them and throw them at your angry neighbours.
If you can't beat um, kick um in the nuts, then run.
If you can't stand the heat, live in Vermont for a year.
Blowjobs are the sincerest form of flattery.
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man has no depth perception.
Into every life a little rain must fall, unless you live in Antarctica.
It's better to give than receive... a kick in the nuts.
It's not worth crying over spilt milk or dead whores.
It ain't over til the fat lady kills herself from depression.
Keep your chin up and your balls unkicked.
Laughter is the second best medicine, behind morphine.
Love is blind, but I'm not. (see 'beauty is skin deep').
Money talks and bullshit smells.
Necessity is the mother of invention and Thomas Edison was a motherfucker.
People who live in glass houses should be attractive.
Never put off until tomorrow what an intern will screw up anytime.
One good turn deserves another kick in the nuts.
That which does not kill us gives us food poisoning.
There is more than one way to skin a cat, try using a lemon zester.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are sponsored by lunch.
The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
There's always more fish in the sea, but who wants to fuck a fish?
Time heals all wounds, except for mental retardation.
Two heads are better than one, and some head is better than none.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
When the cat's away I don't sneeze as much.
Walk softly and carry extra underwear.
You can make an omelet without kicking me in the nuts.
You can't teach an old dog to fly.
Youth is wasted on video games.
A friend in need is a mooch.
A house divided against itself is called a duplex.
A leopard cannot change its spots, but if it spots you, it might chew your face off, buddy.
A penny saved is waste of a bank account.
A picture paints a thousand words, but a Madonna made of shit will sell for ten thousand dollars.
A woman's work is never done... I can only get in trouble here... I'm gonna leave this one alone.
A watched pothead says "dude" a lot.
Actions speak louder than words, and a fist up the ass is the loudest action ever.
An ounce of prevention is worth a week of antibiotics and timeless Internet fame
You reap what you sow, and you sell on e-bay what you reap from your relatives during the holidays.
Ask no questions, hear no lies, get no dates, jerk off in the dark, alone.
All's fair in love and war, except for kicking someone in the nuts.
Beauty is only skin deep, but I'm just that shallow.
Better to have loved and lost than gotten kicked in the nuts.
Birds of one feather must have trouble flying unless they share.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and be kicked in the nuts.
Blood is thicker than water, but not richer or smoother than Ovaltine.
Cleanliness is godliness, and I steer clear of hubris.
Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless it is made of prime rib.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, so lube up first.
Don't count your chickens before they are hatched, unless you are selling eggs.
Don't put all your eggs in one basket, unless you only have one egg, or one basket.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy wealthy and a complete waste of time.
Every man has his price, mine is $5 even.
Faith will move mountains, and so will atomic bombs launched in the name of faith.
Flattery will get you laid.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread because angels have no balls.
Good things come to those who have rich fathers
Good fences make good neighbours, but bad feces makes angry neighbors.
Haste makes waste and inflames hemorrhoids.
Home is where the belching, farting, cursing and crotch scratching never stops.
If God had meant us to fly, He'd have taken away those little seat belts on airplanes.
If at first you don't succeed, you're a loser.
If you don't have anything nice to say, blow it out your ass, dick wad.
If life deals you lemons, shit on them and throw them at your angry neighbours.
If you can't beat um, kick um in the nuts, then run.
If you can't stand the heat, live in Vermont for a year.
Blowjobs are the sincerest form of flattery.
In the kingdom of the blind the one eyed man has no depth perception.
Into every life a little rain must fall, unless you live in Antarctica.
It's better to give than receive... a kick in the nuts.
It's not worth crying over spilt milk or dead whores.
It ain't over til the fat lady kills herself from depression.
Keep your chin up and your balls unkicked.
Laughter is the second best medicine, behind morphine.
Love is blind, but I'm not. (see 'beauty is skin deep').
Money talks and bullshit smells.
Necessity is the mother of invention and Thomas Edison was a motherfucker.
People who live in glass houses should be attractive.
Never put off until tomorrow what an intern will screw up anytime.
One good turn deserves another kick in the nuts.
That which does not kill us gives us food poisoning.
There is more than one way to skin a cat, try using a lemon zester.
There's no such thing as a free lunch, unless you are sponsored by lunch.
The way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.
There's always more fish in the sea, but who wants to fuck a fish?
Time heals all wounds, except for mental retardation.
Two heads are better than one, and some head is better than none.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.
When the cat's away I don't sneeze as much.
Walk softly and carry extra underwear.
You can make an omelet without kicking me in the nuts.
You can't teach an old dog to fly.
Youth is wasted on video games.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Rantings of a cold-toed nut-kicker
It makes me mad...
...when the bedroom that has the best view and most space when you rent an apartment in the summertime, has the worst heat distribution in the wintertime when it's eight degrees outside. My toes are gone and I don't know where they've got to.
It makes me mad...
...when all I want to do is go out and enjoy a beer and a game of pool that I know I will lose but there is no one that will go out and beat me in pool and let me buy them a beer because they are all lame. That's right, all my friends are lame. You probably are, too.
It makes me mad...
...when a hardcover book costs $38. $38? I like hardcovers, but a paperback is easier to carry around, fits on my limited shelf space, gets beat up, stained and ripped while being read which only adds to the character of the characters in the book, and costs $25 less. You do know that they just use a bigger font in hardcover books to make it have more pages so that someone will justify spending $38 on it. I tried that bullshit in college once and got half a letter grade off one of my papers.
It makes me mad...
...when a taxi driver you are behind is looking for fares in the middle of a snow storm and continuously slams on their brakes to pick up people that don't want to be picked up, which causes you to go screeching to a halt while praying that the driver behind you is paying as much attention as you were so that you don't get rear ended. Or when a taxi is double parked and pulls away from the curb right as you are passing them and you have to drag race this motherfucker for half a block because you don't want to be behind him when he slams on his brakes again to not pick up someone who doesn't want to be picked up anyway.
It makes me mad...
...when people don't pick up after their dogs because they are grossed out by dog shit. That makes no sense to me at all, and I know three people like that. I yell at them regularly.
It makes me mad...
...when someone sits down at a poker game, says that they will take all your money, proceeds to take some of your money, continues to only talk about how much of your money they have taken, then takes more of your money, brags, takes all of your money, laughs in your face and doesn't give you any money for the beer you bought for poker night so that you could have a good time chatting with your friends about topics other than how little money you have.
It makes me mad...
...when people don't ice their sidewalk. If there is ice on your sidewalk than you are making me mad right now. It's not going to melt for at least another 2 months, asshole. It's winter, figure it out.
It makes me mad...
...when someone I don't like tells stories about me, even if they are good stories. If I don't like you, then you will know it (see the above list) and there is no reason for me to be a novelty or anecdote in your feeble attempt to impress some girl at a bar but telling her how crazy I am when I'm in a situation where I am surrounded by friends and am willing to sacrifice my better judgment for some cheep laughs. Don't drag my actions from that context into you getting some drunk chick to think you're cool because your friends are crazy. I'll kick you in the nuts. Hard.
It just makes me mad...
There's more but I'm going out to a dive bar now to lose to some stranger in pool after driving behind a taxi cause the sidewalk is too icy and too covered with frozen dog shit to walk to the bar and my bedroom is 3 degrees above freezing so I have to go out, warm up my toes and spend money that I don't have because I lost it in poker to some asshole. Maybe I'll just stay in and read a beat up paperback book. If you tell a drunk chick this story, I will find you, tap you on the shoulder and promptly kick you in the nuts. Hard. It's not funny. I will. Wicked hard, too.
...when the bedroom that has the best view and most space when you rent an apartment in the summertime, has the worst heat distribution in the wintertime when it's eight degrees outside. My toes are gone and I don't know where they've got to.
It makes me mad...
...when all I want to do is go out and enjoy a beer and a game of pool that I know I will lose but there is no one that will go out and beat me in pool and let me buy them a beer because they are all lame. That's right, all my friends are lame. You probably are, too.
It makes me mad...
...when a hardcover book costs $38. $38? I like hardcovers, but a paperback is easier to carry around, fits on my limited shelf space, gets beat up, stained and ripped while being read which only adds to the character of the characters in the book, and costs $25 less. You do know that they just use a bigger font in hardcover books to make it have more pages so that someone will justify spending $38 on it. I tried that bullshit in college once and got half a letter grade off one of my papers.
It makes me mad...
...when a taxi driver you are behind is looking for fares in the middle of a snow storm and continuously slams on their brakes to pick up people that don't want to be picked up, which causes you to go screeching to a halt while praying that the driver behind you is paying as much attention as you were so that you don't get rear ended. Or when a taxi is double parked and pulls away from the curb right as you are passing them and you have to drag race this motherfucker for half a block because you don't want to be behind him when he slams on his brakes again to not pick up someone who doesn't want to be picked up anyway.
It makes me mad...
...when people don't pick up after their dogs because they are grossed out by dog shit. That makes no sense to me at all, and I know three people like that. I yell at them regularly.
It makes me mad...
...when someone sits down at a poker game, says that they will take all your money, proceeds to take some of your money, continues to only talk about how much of your money they have taken, then takes more of your money, brags, takes all of your money, laughs in your face and doesn't give you any money for the beer you bought for poker night so that you could have a good time chatting with your friends about topics other than how little money you have.
It makes me mad...
...when people don't ice their sidewalk. If there is ice on your sidewalk than you are making me mad right now. It's not going to melt for at least another 2 months, asshole. It's winter, figure it out.
It makes me mad...
...when someone I don't like tells stories about me, even if they are good stories. If I don't like you, then you will know it (see the above list) and there is no reason for me to be a novelty or anecdote in your feeble attempt to impress some girl at a bar but telling her how crazy I am when I'm in a situation where I am surrounded by friends and am willing to sacrifice my better judgment for some cheep laughs. Don't drag my actions from that context into you getting some drunk chick to think you're cool because your friends are crazy. I'll kick you in the nuts. Hard.
It just makes me mad...
There's more but I'm going out to a dive bar now to lose to some stranger in pool after driving behind a taxi cause the sidewalk is too icy and too covered with frozen dog shit to walk to the bar and my bedroom is 3 degrees above freezing so I have to go out, warm up my toes and spend money that I don't have because I lost it in poker to some asshole. Maybe I'll just stay in and read a beat up paperback book. If you tell a drunk chick this story, I will find you, tap you on the shoulder and promptly kick you in the nuts. Hard. It's not funny. I will. Wicked hard, too.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Thanksgiving is for the birds
Screw it, there is no need to try to deny it. I missed having Thanksgiving this year. No turkey, no mashed potatoes, no gravy soaked stuffing. I missed out and that bums me out because I love to eat. Then I remembered all the crappy things that have happened to me on Thanksgiving; from family feuds to family deaths from exploding turkeys to tryptophan hangovers. This year, I stayed on my couch in my apartment and watched crappy movies on TV. On the bright side of things, a friend on mine who once invited me up to his house for thanksgiving, gave me a box of booze yesterday. Now I have 4 bottles of very nice red wine, 2 bottles of very nice white wine, and 2 bottles of champagne that I've seen served for more than $100 dollars a bottle. The point is that booze is always there for you, even if turkey and stuffing isn't.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
I stay in bed after elections
I should be working, or eating, or walking the dog today. I am not doing any of these things.
On Nov 4th, 2004, I stayed in bed all day and trembled in fear of having W in the White House for another 4 years. I remember sweating under my blanket, and shivering with cold spells. I didn't get anything accomplished that day. I got out of bed two days after the election.
At 10pm on Nov 7th, 2006, I sat in a dive bar, eating onion rings, sipping PBR, and watching votes come in on a small, poorly color balanced, muted TV directly over the heads of 3 old bluegrass musicians in a dive bar around the corner from my house. Sloppy Joes were only $3 as part of a Tuesday night special. I watched with awe as the Dems won the House, and slowly creep towards the Senate, all to the tune of "My Momma Was a Truck Driving Man" and "Who's That Knocking On My Door (Bad News)" and "I Ain't Broke, I'm Badly Bent." I went to sleep around 4am, slightly giddy about the outcome of the elections. But there was a twinge in my smile, a curl to my lip as I fell asleep, and that twitch came from big corporate money. The Dems won big, that is good. At the moment, they are trust worthy, but that's because they didn't have any power in the House or the Senate, or at least they didn't have enough power to get anything done under the War Hawk talons of the GOP. The thing that gets me is what I heard in passing on CNN while trying to mix a crappy cover band and listen to the votes come in before I gave up and just went to the pub. Corporate America put a lot of money into the Dems this year and will have some pull over the politics of the party, which is not unlike every time a party wins power with the help of corporate contributions, legal or otherwise. Anyone could foresee a shift in power (except for W) and being a large contributor for the right side (read as 'correct side' or 'left side') of politics will have it's benefits; and I'm not talking about a thank you letter or gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond. So what will happen? Will we see the tax cuts that W put into effect left in place until the Dems lose power again? Will there be accidental tax or environmental loopholes for the contributors to find and exploit? Most likely, yes. The Democrats have Legislative power. Power corrupts everyone. Corruption fucks lil' people like you and me (unless your not as little as me at which point I think you're lost on the web. Go back, man. Go back!). Corporations pour money into a political party that will gain power. That money buys political pull for the Corporation. Policy swing towards money. So, the money I don't have makes my life harder because the people who spent the money I don't have on a political party are gonna fuck me over once the money that they spent starts working for them. It all boils down to the fact that I just don't trust anyone, which makes me nervous. So nervous that I stay in bed after elections.
On Nov 4th, 2004, I stayed in bed all day and trembled in fear of having W in the White House for another 4 years. I remember sweating under my blanket, and shivering with cold spells. I didn't get anything accomplished that day. I got out of bed two days after the election.
At 10pm on Nov 7th, 2006, I sat in a dive bar, eating onion rings, sipping PBR, and watching votes come in on a small, poorly color balanced, muted TV directly over the heads of 3 old bluegrass musicians in a dive bar around the corner from my house. Sloppy Joes were only $3 as part of a Tuesday night special. I watched with awe as the Dems won the House, and slowly creep towards the Senate, all to the tune of "My Momma Was a Truck Driving Man" and "Who's That Knocking On My Door (Bad News)" and "I Ain't Broke, I'm Badly Bent." I went to sleep around 4am, slightly giddy about the outcome of the elections. But there was a twinge in my smile, a curl to my lip as I fell asleep, and that twitch came from big corporate money. The Dems won big, that is good. At the moment, they are trust worthy, but that's because they didn't have any power in the House or the Senate, or at least they didn't have enough power to get anything done under the War Hawk talons of the GOP. The thing that gets me is what I heard in passing on CNN while trying to mix a crappy cover band and listen to the votes come in before I gave up and just went to the pub. Corporate America put a lot of money into the Dems this year and will have some pull over the politics of the party, which is not unlike every time a party wins power with the help of corporate contributions, legal or otherwise. Anyone could foresee a shift in power (except for W) and being a large contributor for the right side (read as 'correct side' or 'left side') of politics will have it's benefits; and I'm not talking about a thank you letter or gift certificate to Bed Bath and Beyond. So what will happen? Will we see the tax cuts that W put into effect left in place until the Dems lose power again? Will there be accidental tax or environmental loopholes for the contributors to find and exploit? Most likely, yes. The Democrats have Legislative power. Power corrupts everyone. Corruption fucks lil' people like you and me (unless your not as little as me at which point I think you're lost on the web. Go back, man. Go back!). Corporations pour money into a political party that will gain power. That money buys political pull for the Corporation. Policy swing towards money. So, the money I don't have makes my life harder because the people who spent the money I don't have on a political party are gonna fuck me over once the money that they spent starts working for them. It all boils down to the fact that I just don't trust anyone, which makes me nervous. So nervous that I stay in bed after elections.
Saturday, November 04, 2006
A poem to live by
Once again, my father has made my day. It's funny to think about how much time can change perception, how scorn can change to respect, how family sacrifices proximity closeness for emotional closeness, and how spell check doesn't matter when you know how to spell. After a long day of work, and before another long day of work, I received this breath of fresh air in e-mail form. I'll share it with you and ask you to send it to someone that means something to you. I'm a sucker for the sappy stuff sometimes.
"How to Live" by Charles Harper Webb, from Amplified Dog. © Red Hen Press.
"I don't know how to live."
–Sharon Olds
Eat lots of steak and salmon and Thai curry and mu shu
pork and fresh green beans and baked potatoes
and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream.
Kick-box three days a week. Stay strong and lean.
Go fly-fishing every chance you get, with friends
who'll teach you secrets of the stream. Play guitar
in a rock band. Read Dostoyevsky, Whitman, Kafka,
Shakespeare, Twain. Collect Uncle Scrooge comics.
See Peckinpah's Straw Dogs, and everything Monty Python made.
Love freely. Treat ex-partners as kindly
as you can. Wish them as well as you're able.
Snorkel with moray eels and yellow tangs. Watch
spinner dolphins earn their name as your panga slam-
bams over glittering seas. Try not to lie; it sours
the soul. But being a patsy sours it too. If you cause
a car wreck, and aren't hurt, but someone is, apologize
silently. Learn from your mistake. Walk gratefully
away. Let your insurance handle it. Never drive drunk.
Don't be a drunk, or any kind of "aholic." It's bad
English, and bad news. Don't berate yourself. If you lose
a game or prize you've earned, remember the winners
history forgets. Remember them if you do win. Enjoy
success. Have kids if you want and can afford them,
but don't make them your reason-to-be. Spare them that
misery. Take them to the beach. Mail order sea
monkeys once in your life. Give someone the full-on
ass-kicking he (or she) has earned. Keep a box turtle
in good heath for twenty years. If you get sick, don't thrive
on suffering. There's nothing noble about pain. Die
if you need to, the best way you can. (You define best.)
Go to church if it helps you. Grow tomatoes to put store-
bought in perspective. Listen to Elvis and Bach. Unless
you're tone deaf, own Perlman's "Meditation from Thais."
Don't look for hidden meanings in a cardinal's song.
Don't think TV characters talk to you; that's crazy.
Don't be too sane. Work hard. Loaf easily. Have good
friends, and be good to them. Be immoderate
in moderation. Spend little time anesthetized. Dive
the Great Barrier Reef. Don't touch the coral. Watch
for sea snakes. Smile for the camera. Don't say "Cheese."
I'd only add the following -
Spill some blood, then donate blood and see which
feels better. Water your plants. Clean your room. Call
someone a jerk. Stop saying the word "um," it only slows
you down. Rant and rave about something. Write a letter.
Read a book and then give it away. Spend some time
in a boat. Get caught in a thunderstorm. Build a fire and watch
it go out. Play on the swings. Rearrange your furniture.
Drink some wine on a rooftop, or a mountaintop. Wear
Band-aids with little devil duck prints on them. Make up a word.
Walk to work. Lie to your boss, once. Laugh long and hard at life.
"How to Live" by Charles Harper Webb, from Amplified Dog. © Red Hen Press.
"I don't know how to live."
–Sharon Olds
Eat lots of steak and salmon and Thai curry and mu shu
pork and fresh green beans and baked potatoes
and fresh strawberries with vanilla ice cream.
Kick-box three days a week. Stay strong and lean.
Go fly-fishing every chance you get, with friends
who'll teach you secrets of the stream. Play guitar
in a rock band. Read Dostoyevsky, Whitman, Kafka,
Shakespeare, Twain. Collect Uncle Scrooge comics.
See Peckinpah's Straw Dogs, and everything Monty Python made.
Love freely. Treat ex-partners as kindly
as you can. Wish them as well as you're able.
Snorkel with moray eels and yellow tangs. Watch
spinner dolphins earn their name as your panga slam-
bams over glittering seas. Try not to lie; it sours
the soul. But being a patsy sours it too. If you cause
a car wreck, and aren't hurt, but someone is, apologize
silently. Learn from your mistake. Walk gratefully
away. Let your insurance handle it. Never drive drunk.
Don't be a drunk, or any kind of "aholic." It's bad
English, and bad news. Don't berate yourself. If you lose
a game or prize you've earned, remember the winners
history forgets. Remember them if you do win. Enjoy
success. Have kids if you want and can afford them,
but don't make them your reason-to-be. Spare them that
misery. Take them to the beach. Mail order sea
monkeys once in your life. Give someone the full-on
ass-kicking he (or she) has earned. Keep a box turtle
in good heath for twenty years. If you get sick, don't thrive
on suffering. There's nothing noble about pain. Die
if you need to, the best way you can. (You define best.)
Go to church if it helps you. Grow tomatoes to put store-
bought in perspective. Listen to Elvis and Bach. Unless
you're tone deaf, own Perlman's "Meditation from Thais."
Don't look for hidden meanings in a cardinal's song.
Don't think TV characters talk to you; that's crazy.
Don't be too sane. Work hard. Loaf easily. Have good
friends, and be good to them. Be immoderate
in moderation. Spend little time anesthetized. Dive
the Great Barrier Reef. Don't touch the coral. Watch
for sea snakes. Smile for the camera. Don't say "Cheese."
I'd only add the following -
Spill some blood, then donate blood and see which
feels better. Water your plants. Clean your room. Call
someone a jerk. Stop saying the word "um," it only slows
you down. Rant and rave about something. Write a letter.
Read a book and then give it away. Spend some time
in a boat. Get caught in a thunderstorm. Build a fire and watch
it go out. Play on the swings. Rearrange your furniture.
Drink some wine on a rooftop, or a mountaintop. Wear
Band-aids with little devil duck prints on them. Make up a word.
Walk to work. Lie to your boss, once. Laugh long and hard at life.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Mr. T and me.
He called me “Brother.” That makes it official. I am a “brother” now and no one can take that away, because Mr. T said so. I was working at the Four Seasons Hotel, running sound for a 21 piece band. I was out front, enjoying my 5 minute break, standing in front of the revolving doors to the hotel, shooting the breeze with the Valet parking guys when out of no where a large black man wearing a gray hoodie Chicago sweater, speed-walks up to me like only Mr. T. can, and says, “Hey, brother!” like only Mr. T can. To which I replied, “Hey, Mr. T! You were great on the Conan O’Brian show.” He shook my hand, which had jumped out of my Tux pocket and was preventing him from entering the hotel, and replied, “That was the best interview I’ve ever done.” If you haven’t seen the Mr. T. interview on Conan O’Brian, they both end up on top of his desk, dancing like madmen and stating how a talking Mr. T doll is gonna ‘deflower Barbie after kicking G.I. Joe’s ass”. I released his hand and watched a 70 year old woman chase him to the elevators, demand a hug then brag to her husband as they got into their Cadillac. Here’s a video that Mr. T made, it contains knowledge of the ages, so pay attention, fool.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Monday night gang fight
Be warned, I'm drunk. But it seemed like a good time to (post stuff). Yes, it's monday night, but I work on the weekend, every weekend and I have a recording session in the morning, but that's only if you count noon as part of the morning, which I sometimes do. That being said, tomorrow morning, I have a session at noon.
I just came back from a dive bar. I don't think that it's worth going to expensive bars durring the week, or the month or year for that matter. If I wanted to be distracted by large amounts of flat plasma I'd jump into a volcano. Alas, there are no volcano's in Chicago, which is a good thing. So I was at a dive bar and I saw a gang fight. Snoopy is a Latin King. Some poor Mexican, who was very bad at singing along to Mexican songs I'd never heard before, beat Snoopy at pool and, as a result, Snoopy tried to choke him / kill him. I meet Snoopy because I was drinking Scotch, which he thought was Tequila. In my years, I've learned that anyone drinking Scotch in a bar wants to be older than they actually are. In my defense, I'm old enough and just want something to slow me down after a long night. Regardless of why I was drinking Scotch, my new buddy, Snoopy, decided the best thing for him to do was to try to beat the crap out of some guy that beat him in pool. He got kicked out of the dive bar after disrupting some perfectly docile chairs with a very surprised pool victor. I, thinking it was a joke, laughed out loud. Then I realized that it wasn't a joke and jumped in, dragged my new acquaintance, Snoopy, off some other stranger, all the while being called a 'nigga' by a very angry Latin King with fire behind his eyes. Snoopy left, I returned to my Scotch unscathed, and I drank my unscathed Scotch. I'm not sure why I keep capitalizing Scotch, it's just one of those drinks that takes it's self so seriously that I feel that it should start with a capital letter. Am I wrong? It's possible. Who can say? Regardless. I walked across the street to my apt and figured I should write this all down (after e-mailing it all to a different stranger, yes, a stranger that is stranger to me than you). So that is what happened to me tonight. Behold! I've got nothing better to do than to write this down, until tomorrow morning at noon. That's when I've got something better to do.
I just came back from a dive bar. I don't think that it's worth going to expensive bars durring the week, or the month or year for that matter. If I wanted to be distracted by large amounts of flat plasma I'd jump into a volcano. Alas, there are no volcano's in Chicago, which is a good thing. So I was at a dive bar and I saw a gang fight. Snoopy is a Latin King. Some poor Mexican, who was very bad at singing along to Mexican songs I'd never heard before, beat Snoopy at pool and, as a result, Snoopy tried to choke him / kill him. I meet Snoopy because I was drinking Scotch, which he thought was Tequila. In my years, I've learned that anyone drinking Scotch in a bar wants to be older than they actually are. In my defense, I'm old enough and just want something to slow me down after a long night. Regardless of why I was drinking Scotch, my new buddy, Snoopy, decided the best thing for him to do was to try to beat the crap out of some guy that beat him in pool. He got kicked out of the dive bar after disrupting some perfectly docile chairs with a very surprised pool victor. I, thinking it was a joke, laughed out loud. Then I realized that it wasn't a joke and jumped in, dragged my new acquaintance, Snoopy, off some other stranger, all the while being called a 'nigga' by a very angry Latin King with fire behind his eyes. Snoopy left, I returned to my Scotch unscathed, and I drank my unscathed Scotch. I'm not sure why I keep capitalizing Scotch, it's just one of those drinks that takes it's self so seriously that I feel that it should start with a capital letter. Am I wrong? It's possible. Who can say? Regardless. I walked across the street to my apt and figured I should write this all down (after e-mailing it all to a different stranger, yes, a stranger that is stranger to me than you). So that is what happened to me tonight. Behold! I've got nothing better to do than to write this down, until tomorrow morning at noon. That's when I've got something better to do.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
My favorite words
- Bizzo
- (adj) endearing term for a friend who has wronged you by doing any of the following activities behind, or in front of your back.
- 1) A bizzo is someone who calles and leaves a message on your answering service that starts with "Hey Jerkface! What'cha doing tonight, probably something stupid."
- 2) A bizzo is someone who casually compares you to an unflattering actor or actress as a way to start up a conversation. Ex. "With your hair like that, you look just like that tall bad guy from Home Alone. Not Joe Peski, the other guy. What was his name? That movie sucked. Anyway, what's up, Jerkface?"
- 3) A bizzo is someone who, after years of not seeing you due to their copping out on your 2004 New Years party the day before New Years, and convinces all his friends not to come either, calls you an "asshole" and demands that you buy him a drink after two years of excomunication. That being said, a true bizzo will take the drink they forced you to buy for them as an exceptable appology from you, for what they did to you and your failed party.
- 4) A bizzo will suddenly and abrupty adopt words you've coined and tries to 'zing' you with them. Ex. "Hey, Bizzo! What'cha doing tonight, probably something stupid, Jerkface."
- 5) A bizzo doesn't drink after you cheers them for being such a good friend, but rather puts their beer down and suddenly remembers how much money you owe them.
- 6) A bizzo lives their life like a Greek Tragedy of tiny proportions. Ex. "I usually love Kim Chee when its a few months old, but this stuff has sat in the sun too long and tastes like rotten ass. You gotta try it, Jerkface. It's horrible."
- 1) A bizzo is someone who calles and leaves a message on your answering service that starts with "Hey Jerkface! What'cha doing tonight, probably something stupid."
- Gurmorphen : gur'-morf-inn
- (Exclamation) The sound one makes while spitting water back into a public water fountain after being unpleasantly surprised at the temperature, color, taste, texture, and chemical composition of city tap water.
- Obsquatch
- (Adj/N/V/Exclamation) - A situation, person, experience, or incident that is so overwhelmingly odd that a person succumbs to nausea, hot flashes, cold spells, shortness of breath, irritable bowel syndrome, loss of balance, loss of vision, loss of car keys, scientology, easy-to-use, dishwasher and microwave safe, shoe horn, light house, nearer my God to thee, odorless garlic extract and nosebleeds. Consult your doctor and hide in the basement. If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
