Saturday, October 25, 2008

Seven Deadly Sins Project #2: The First Few Sins Are Just A Warm Up

I carry around a little black book and put check marks next to my deadly sins as I commit them. I call it, The Seven Deadly Sins Project. Here is the tally so far.
Lust – 6
Wrath – 3
Gluttony – 3
Greed – 0
Pride – 5
Envy – 4
Sloth – 2

Obviously, lust is getting the better of me. But before you react in your oh-so-predictable way by saying that I should get a hobby like building model airplane or by saying that I'll go blind if I don't stop doing that, let’s go over some basic ideology here. Lust doesn’t mean I’m banging everything in sight, even though this lamp looks like it could use a good rogering. According to wikipedia, lust “is usually thought of as involving obsessive or excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.” This means that lust isn’t an action, but more of a distracting internal flash of lewd thoughts or breath stopping images that lures one away from a more pure train of thought. I figured that 80-95% of the time that I spend awake, I spend being distracted by beautiful women. That might also include time I spend asleep, come to think of it. But it doesn’t make me evil to think this way; it makes me horny. Once I figured that out, I started to wonder if I really wanted to keep track of every time that I was so overwhelmingly distracted by a woman that I would say to myself, “that’s a sin, and if it’s not, just add a bucket of friend chicken, a toilet bowl brush, an accordion, and a snorkel and flippers to make sure it is a sin.” But in real life, I don’t stop myself for thinking lewd thoughts to put a check mark down in my little black book. I think the thought through its logical end point (a hot wife, a huge house on the beach, 2.5 loving children that will do my bidding, and a huge pile of money and diamonds) and then come back to reality with a little smile on my face. If I just happen to catch a glimpse of a beautiful woman in a low cut dress, dancing her butt off at one of the weddings I attend weekly, am I really supposed to look the other way, whip myself on the back till I bleed and mumble “Impure! Impure! Shame! Shame!” Nope. I’m supposed to picture her naked, with a pair of handcuffs in one hand and a Chicago style hot dog in the other. That’s what balls are for.

I’ve been trying to keep track of some of the more interesting instances of my sinner ways. Here are some highlights from the first few days. Note that not all sins are accounted for. There are two reasons for this.

1) I sin and there is no morality or humor to be found in it.
2) Surreptitiousness.

10/21

Envy
– A coworker had a homemade meatloaf sandwich. It smelled fantastic. I wanted to poke her in the eye and steal it. By the end of my lunch break, she gave me a bite. I didn’t know heaven fit between two slices of bread.
Lust – I brought a date to see Devil in a Woodpile. I began to force myself to yawn to get the point across that I was too tired to stay for their second set. I brought her home between sets, said goodnight, and returned to the show because I wanted to talk to two other cute girls at the show that winked at me. They ended up wanting to talk about astrology, so I ditched them and got drunk with SexFist at the RedLine Tap.
Sloth – Getting drunk with SexFist will sure make you feel slovenly.

10/22

Lust
– Woke up with “questionable content” on my computer screen.
Sloth – 10 minutes late for work after hitting the snooze button repeatedly for an hour, and then being distracted by afore mentioned “questionable content”.
Gluttony – At lunch, I had a chicken Torta, a King Sized steak Burrito, a Chorizo taco, and a large horchata. I bought all this because the Mexican joint doesn’t take credit cards for orders less than $10 and everything on the menu costs $1.75. I didn’t have to eat it all, but I did.
Lust“Questionable content” was still on my screen when I returned home from work.

Side note – I recycled 10 large garbage bags full of Styrofoam peanuts that otherwise would have go into the dumpsters. That’s gotta clear me of at least a couple sloths and a glutton or two, right?

10/23

Pride
– I wrote a Rolling Stones medley for a wedding that The Sons Of Susan have been hired to play. After tons of micromanaging, the tune sounds fantanstic. I felt proud. We will no doubt screw it up at the wedding… that, and the first dance… and then the rest of the night. I love weddings.
Pride – I dropped a huge poo in someone else’s house. I then proceeded to stand in awe of my accomplishment, with the bathroom fan on, for a good five minutes. This sin links directly back to Gluttony, which is apparently a gateway sin.
Envy – A near and dear friend of mine went out to lunch with his whole office where they all proceeded to get drunk together and, upon returning to work, got nothing accomplished on account of the entire office being “buzzed” and, instead, watched The Office.

10/24

Pride
– An X-lover told me via IM that she still listens to music that I introduced her to. She asked me if that made me proud. I said, “Pride is a deadly sin,” which was closely followed with “yes, it does.”
Wrath – Said X asked me if “it was ok for [her] to still read my blog,” even though she doesn’t want to talk to me or contact me. That type of behavior would “hurt [her] sweetheart.” So, in essence, she anonymously keeps tabs on me via one of my creative outlets, can regularly laugh along with what I share of my life from a distance, and can see the world the way I see it, but the second she shows me a hint of interest in my life outside of these rants, it damages her current relationship. That pissed me off. I see it as selfish and childish to believe that peeking in on me is innocent but telling me that you are peeking is disrespectful to your new boyfriend. Bullshit. There is more here, lady. My answer to her question is this. “Yes, you can still read my blog. I would never want to stop you from reading it, but don’t be surprised if something like these last few sentences gets tossed your way.” Wrath is gonna be a tough one for me to keep under control.
Glutton – Arby’s Beef, Bacon and Cheddar melt. Nuff said.
Wrath – Finding parking in Naperville on Friday night means contending with enough BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, and Audi owners for one of the fourteen parking spots in Naperville. All the drivers in this town needed to be yelled at for being idiots. I proudly took up the job.
Pride – I was the only person / nerdfighter, out of more than 200, at John Green’s Paper Towns book signing that had a beard. His response to this observation was something along the lines of, "If all the nerdfighters were 16, I don't think that we'd accomplish much."
Pride – I briefly explained to John Green, who is a privately religious man, what this Seven Deadly Sins Project was about and then asked him to sign my list of sins under pride. He replied, “If you’ve only been guilty of the sin of pride four times in a month, you’re doing pretty well.” I told him it was day three. He laughed as he became check mark number five.

2 comments:

  1. I think this is absolutely hilarious and can't wait to see the results.

    I also think I'm going to run into you someday. I need to buy a plant, and your plant place is close by. And I've been to the red line tap.

    ReplyDelete
  2. zachy zach4:37 PM

    your ex girlfriend is a f*cking wimp dude. her boyfriend is probably an even bigger wimp.

    ReplyDelete