Sunday, October 18, 2009

Fun With Plants - or - Hey! Let's Get Drunk And Rip Off Our Family Member's Limbs

It’s too late to write anything of consequence, and I’m just getting out of work, which is the only time I really get to do any writing these days, because I can’t write while I’m at work, even though my brain might be on fire with ideas; things to think about, things to write about, things to do in Chicago in winter, because if you don’t have a list of things to do in wintertime in Chicago, where winter will kick your ass sideways for months on end, then you usually don’t find yourself having fun over the course of the winter no matter what the temperature is like. One of my favorite things to do in winter is go to the Chicago Botanical Gardens and hang out with an Agave Americana that is at least eight feet wide. The Agave is the plant that Tequila comes from. When an Agave plant is about to die, it puts up a huge bloom spike, sometimes more than twelve feet tall. This big Agave at the CBG put up a bloom spike this summer, so it’s gonna kick the bucket soon. So it goes. You can’t morn a plant like you can a grandparent or a pet hamster, but I plan on visiting that Agave a few more times before the awesome staff at the botanical gardens rip that huge mother sucker tequila plant out of the ground and make way for something else that is just as cool.

Did I mention that I dig me some plant life? Maybe this will help prove the point.

Speaking of Agave, death, and being a boozehound like my new fish…

I just have to pause for a second to see if anyone has any idea in what direction I am headed with those three topics, because there is a very clear and direct connection betwixt them, and if you know it, you are pretty much my favorite…

So, speaking of Agave, death, and booze, I reread my favorite Greek myth tonight while I was working at the Chicago Cultural Center. Agave was the mother of the King of Thebes, which was an ancient city that was built by people who were brought forth from the Earth from the planted teeth of a dragon who happened to kill the people that were originally supposed to build the city. I swear it. Regardless. Dionysus, the god of partying, stumbles his way into Thebes one day. The King of Thebes doesn’t like this kid named Dionysus, who is a drunk, loves his wine, wears grape vines on his head, tells everyone he is a god even though he grew up in India, and happens to be the King’s cousin (Agave’s sisters son). This punk, Dionysus, trots into town with a bunch of his drunk ass friends, mostly women who just love to party, and starts wooing all the ladies in Thebes to join him to party all night long in the woods. The King doesn’t like this kid, especially after the little punk seduces Agave, the kings wife, and all her sisters to join his wine orgy in the woods. The King starts capturing his followers, but they keep escaping back to the woods to do more keg stands. Eventually, Dionysus meets the King and, after telling a story about how he was kidnapped by pirates but escaped by turning their boat into a floating vineyard and transforming his attackers into fish, he gets the King to check out his party in the woods. The King agrees to check it out for himself but decided he wants to murder his drunk cousin once they get into the woods. They arrive at the party and all his drunk bitches don’t see the King, they see a mountain lion, and in typical drunk bitch behavior, they decide to rip it apart with their bare hands. Now, you might ask, “Which drunk bitches decided to do this?” Of course it was Agave, the Kings mother, and her crazy ass sisters. By the end of the story, Agave is dancing around a campfire wearing nothing but her son’s head as a hat and pounding wine, all because Dionysus doesn’t like it when people don’t believe that he is the son of Zeus, and by son, I mean another one of the seemingly countless children of Zeus’ rape victims.

I love this stuff. Soap operas got nothing on Greek Mythology.

The King’s name, Agave’s son, was Pentheus, as in the second half of the word Nepenthes. Nepenthes is another one of those plants that I really really like, and got it’s name from the Greek word Nepenthe, which is basically an ancient Greek Prozac. You’d want to become an antidepressant drug too if your mom ripped you to pieces and wore your head as a hat.

Oh, and as another little side note, the EU got it’s name because Zeus kidnapped a little flower-picking fourteen year old girl while he was disguised as a bull, and swam across the ocean so that no one could ever rescue her. But because she wanted to kill herself rather than be his concubine, Aphrodite released her and named Europe after that little suicidal kidnapped childwife, whose name was Europa. Way to go Europe, you sick fuckers. Your whole continant might as well be name Lolita. I guess this puts a new spin of the whole Ronin Polanski living in exile in Europe.

Let's compare!

Ancient Greek Agave

Agave Americana

See the similarity? Holy fucking Zeus' thunderbolts, Batman! Who could miss it?

1 comment:

  1. you spelled Roman (Ronin) and mourn (morn) going to lap your illiterate ass tomorrow!!!!