Sunday, October 25, 2009

A List Of Things That Happened On Friday Night - or - Don't Throw People Over That, Young Man

•Did nothing until 3:00pm. Absolutely nothing. In my underwear.
•Visited a new friend at a coffee shop who was wearing one flip flop and one cowboy boot.
•Drank a $3 cup of tea and learned the basics of tango with my hands outstretched and my eyes closed while sitting down. This is my friend, Grainne (pronounced Grahn-ya) dancing with her teacher in Singapore. It is all improvised.

•Went to see Where the Wild Things Are alone, which has become my favorite way to see movies. The commentary of the two little girls sitting behind me made the movie at least four times better.
•Drove home in the rain.
•Went to my boss's 40th birthday party at my favorite Sushi joint.
•Got hammered on White Russians, wine, and Jack Danial's at my boss's Condo on the lake.
•Helped burn a homemade Effigy of my boss in Lake Michigan as a tribute to his life's successes and because he has always wanted to go to Burning Man.
•Got yelled at by the neighbors for playing with fire.
•Jack shots, Jameson shots, Tequila shots.
•No water.
•Threw my boss over an eight foot wall onto the beach.
•Threw a trumpet player over the same wall, onto my boss.
•Got yelled at by the neighbors for throwing people over walls at 1am.
•Jumped over the wall to avoid being yelled at by the neighbors.
•Received a slap in the face from my 40 year old boss.
•Lost my glasses.
•Received a flying elbo drop by my 40 year old boss while trying to find my glasses.
•Tried to climb back up the wall but was once again slapped in the face by my 40 year old boss and then sent flailing, butt first, eight feet back down the the beach.
•Couldn't breath from laughing.
•Was informed by the neighbors that the police were on the way.
•Blindly ran away, laughing and yelling incoherently.

This is when things get embarrassing. In fact, they get so embarrassing that I'm not going to tell you about the homeless person I gave $20 to tell my friend where on Earth I was because I had no fucking clue as to my whereabouts due to my lack of glasses and the river of whiskey flowing through my veins. I'm not going to admit that I couldn't stand up when I heard my hired homeless person tell my friend, "Come get this guy, he is fucked up." You'll never know that I sat my drunk ass down in the middle of a city garden until my friend, who had to be up around 6am, picked my worthless ass up and had to endure an alcohol induced mental breakdown in the car, in my hallway, and in my apartment as well as an assorted douchey behavior grab-bag. I'm not gonna tell any of you that I puked in the sink, took a shower that quickly turned into a bath and then passed out in the bathtub for the third time in my life. And if you never know these things, you'll never judge me for them. Maybe it's high time I was judged for my shitty behavior. Fuck it. No delete key.

Endless thanks to my friend who gracefully put up with all that bullshit. The most unfortunate part of her involvement is that I was a lot of fun to be drunk with until I lost my glasses, couldn't see, didn't know where I was, what I was doing, or how to stand up. Everyone else got the fun Obsquatch, and my friend got the shit end of the stick. Sorry about handing you that stick, I didn't mean to give you stick with poo on it.

I'm going to try to make it up to her by racing her on go karts tonight. Sober. I think I'm going to be that adjective for a few weeks. Sober. It's got a necessary ring to it. I love Go Karts.


  1. well...I never have a dull moment with you, that's for sure. I'd like to clarify that there was a shower, then a bath that was an attempted shower- which was rather endearing despite the circumstances.

    And hey, I got to kick the crap out of you in go-karts. If that didn't let out any left over resentment and general anger, I don't know what could.

    I think Wichita summed it up well in Zombieland when she said, "I don't know, he just gets me everytime. But, you know, it's still sad."

  2. Anonymous8:10 AM

    Fantastic Story! Well done douchebag!;-) Love ya! gabe

  3. "Maybe it's high time I was judged for my shitty behavior. Fuck it. No delete key."

    Yeah, you're judged man... you go from a 10 to a 11 on my awesomeness scale. It's fucking broken now. Your life is fucking poetry. You're unbreakable. You'll see light coming out of a black hole of a life. One of my slight regrets on the internets is not having spent more time discussing shit with you. I think you and I can both shift those gears and go from crazy to deep in a twinkling of an eye (screeching sound on shifting gears as you put it if I recall correctly). Yea... I think you're the third person I could have had serious and loony discussions with... in the world mind you.

    I don't know if this means anything to you, but you're pretty much a God in my eyes. You live life to the fullest and are ever optimistic after sticking both your heads out there on society's chopping block. If that's not Godlike... what is?